Sunday, 29 November 2020

It's Vampire Night!


It's Vampire Night! Let's dance, cavort and drink fresh blood!*

“Tonight is Vampire Night. In Romania the Strigoii or Vampires are said to leave their graves to seek out their former homes and victims. So hang out your garlic, put out your crosses… for the vampires are prowling and they’re looking for you. Be safe. And, if you can’t be safe, then dance, dance to these Vampire tunes. Happy Vampire Night!” – The Kalendar Host

With tunes from the likes of The Upsetters, Soft Cell, Gene Page, Rupert Lally, Bauhaus, Vampire Sound Incorporated, The Hues Corporation, Francois de Roubaix, Rob Zombie, Cobra Verde, Tangerine Dream, Gorillaz, Emil Richards, Beth Orton, Jonathan Elias, Radiohead, Gerard McCann, Tito and Tarantula, David Whitaker, Hot Blood, Jace Everett, Dirty Pretty Things, Barenakedladies, Jason Segel, Michael Vickers, Nouvelle Vague, Ministry, Michael Rubini and Denny Jaeger.

*For vegans you could try Ribena, vegan red wine or Linda McArtney's Blood Substitute (TM)

Sunday, 22 November 2020

It's November 22nd! Play with your organ today!

Thank you Saint Cecilia! Little did you know when you seduced that angel with your music that you would change the world! For your pains (being roasted in a bath and poorly beheaded*) we get to enjoy the grandiose sounds of the organ to this day.

*It took her three days to die. That is poor axemanship.


Sunday, 15 November 2020

November 15th - Are your pants on Fire?

It's a great day for liars!

If you fancy a go then you could be in with a chance of winning a whetstone!

Runners up will get to ride home with the Bishop of Carlisle after he has finished his anti-lying sermon.

Good luck.

If you can't make it to Temple Sowerby in the past you could attend the World's Biggest Liar Competition in the Lake District.  This contest is apparently over 150 years old and was reportedly started by Wordsworth and the Lakeland Poets who thought that the locals were the biggest fibbers in the UK. (Politicians, lawyers, estate agents and journalist need not apply.)

Source: Maypoles, Martyrs and Mayhem - Quentin Cooper and Paul Sullivan


Sunday, 25 October 2020

October 25th - Cobblers! Take a Break!


Hey shoemakers!

You work so hard.

Thankfully the heroic cobblers Saint Crispin and his unimaginatively named younger brother, Crispinian died in horrific martyrdom so you could put your feet up and have a little drink or two today.

Go on. Put your feet up. You've earned it.

For the rest of us non-cobblers mark this day by not bothering a cobbler. Maybe you could not wear a shoe  or two or just give your shoes a rest, perhaps don't tie those pesky laces.

Have fun!

Sunday, 18 October 2020

October 18th - Feeling Horny? It's time for the Charlton Horn Fair!

 At the Charlton Horn Fair you can dress as a king, as a Miller’s Wife or as a Miller (in which case don some horns you poor cuckhold) and celebrate King John tupping the Miller’s Wife by whipping women on the bottom with branches of furze and finishing the whole affair with a jolly orgy*!  

* Orgies are optional and  liable to have the fair closed down (this happened in 1872).

(Source: Maypoles Martyrs and Mayhem – Quentin Cooper and Paul Sullivan)

Sunday, 11 October 2020

October 11th - P*ss off mouse!

On Saint Canice's Day we remember how the great saint of Inchkenneth reprimanded seagulls for their naughtiness and crucially how he banished mice for nibbling his sandals.

So go on, tell a mouse to “piss off” today!
Interestingly you can also tell frogs to “bugger off” and badgers to “get lost”. 

Seagulls can “do one”.