Parentalia - Visit your long deceased ancestor today!

Today is the day to visit old Great Auntie Margery at her ancient walk in tomb.

Remember to take wine, flowers and milk as it is a well known fact that ghosts love them. However they also take great umbrage if you decide to get married today or if you worship at the local temple. There is nothing worse than a grumpy ghost so we at Wyrd Kalendar have created a poster for you to remember these important rules so that you can commune with the dead without fear of retribution.

If you are having trouble getting hold of Wine, Flowers and Milk you could try WINOWILK!

Developed by Parentalia Labs, this contains all the Wine, Flowers and Milk and ghost would needs and will guarantee you are safe from any hauntings by angry ancestral spectres!*

*Hauntings by angry ancestral spectres may still occur.

Scaring Witches the Burghead Way - "Burning the Clavie"

"Burning the Clavie" takes place in Burghead every January 11th. The act of burning a barrel of tar is said to scare away witches. At the end of the evening the townsfolk take a bit of charred wood to protect themselves through the year. 

Witches are easy to scare. 

This was a fact that King James explored in his “Daemonologie”. He reported that you could “scare a wytch by affixing a carrote to your fringe, buying up alle the local merchant’s stock of catte food or playing a boysterous round of Ha’Penny Shrimp”. He sang the praises of various towns for their methods of keeping witches away; from Corfe Mullen in Dorset with their “Wreaths of Dust Motes”, to the good folk of Glamorgan and their habit of painting “Spectacles on Fruite” or even the men of Redditch who would “Burpe long and loude into bented horns”  - all of these methods were successful at keeping Satan’s harridans away. It was Burghead in Scotland that really caught his eye. As everyone knows now, nothing scares a witch away more than a burning barrelful of tar. This activity is known as "Burning the Clavie" and it takes place every January 11th. Some say it is the smell, others say it is their innate fear of fire. Needless to say since its introduction in 1093 there have been only 2157 recorded incidents of death by “wicked magicks”. If it wasn’t for  the hard work and quick thinking of the people of Burghead this death toll would be much higher*. 

So this January 11th raise a glass to the people of Burghead and thank them for keeping us all that little bit safer.

For an exciting look at this year's Clavie burning check out this video on the Twitter.

*Some estimates would put this figure as high as 2173

On Plough Monday beware the Plough Witchers...

Tomorrow is Plough Monday and an opportunity for all young men to dress as ladies and terrorise the local populace.

It's all fun and games until the Plough Witchers wreck your front garden.

Work starts on Plough Tuesday but until then pay the Witcher's your toll or get your front garden ploughed!

"Dance with me! Or  thy frontage I will plough!" the wicked Plough Witcher sang.
"I shall but only to preserve the innocence of my petunias..." replied the maid.

Happy Holly Night!

It's Holly Night tonight!

Get your marching band, light a branch of holly (Ash is an accepted substitute) and march through the town to the public house.

There is no need to extinguish the holly, just drink your ale and try not to singe your beard.

"To every branch a torch they tie,

To every torch a light apply,

At each new light send forth huzzas

Till all the tree is in a blaze ;

And then bear it flaming through the town,

With minstrelsy, and. rockets throwr."

The following information about Holly Night in Brough is taken from The Table  Book by William Hone

"Formerly the " Holly-tree" at Brough was

really " holly," but ash being abundant,

the latter is now. substituted. There are

two head inns in the town, which provide

for the ceremony alternately, though the

good townspeople mostly lend their assistance

in preparing the tree, to every branch

of which they fasten a torch. About eight

o'clock in the evening, it is taken to a convenient

part of the town, where the torches

are lighted, the town band accompanying

and playing till all is completed, when

it is removed to the lower end of the town;

and, after divers salutes and huzzas from

the spectators, is carried up and down the

town, in stately procession, usually by a

person of renowned strength, named Joseph

Ling. The band march behind it, playing

their instruments, and stopping every

time they reach the town bridge, and the

cross, where the " holly" is again greeted

with shouts of applause. Many of the inhabitants

carry lighted branches and flambeaus

; and rockets, squibs, &c. are discharged

on the joyful occasion. After the

tree is thus carried, and the torches are

sufficiently burnt, it is placed in the middle

of the town, when it is again cheered by

the surrounding populace, and is afterwards

thrown among them. They eagerly watch

for this opportunity ; and, clinging to each

end of the tree, endeavour to carry it away

to the inn they are contending for, where

they are allowed their usual quantum of

ale and spirits, and pass a " merry night,"

it seldom breaks up before two in the

morning.

Although the origin of this usage is lost,

and no tradition exists by which it can be

traced, yet it may not be a strained surmise

to derive it from the church ceremony of

the day when branches of trees were carried

in procession to decorate the altars, in commemoration

of the offerings of the Magi,

whose names are handed down to us as

Melchior, Caspar, and Balthasar, the patrons

of travellers. In catholic countries,

flambeaus and torches always abound in

their ceremonies ; and persons residing in

the streets through which they pass, testify

their zeal and piety by providing flambeaus

at their own expense, and bringing them

 to the doors of their houses.

Drink a pint of milk! It's Saint Catherine's Day!

Taken from the discontinued ad-campaign by Saint Catherine's Dairy (1992)

Saint Catherine is the Patron Saint of Wheelwrights, Spinners and Millers (because she was tortured on a wheel) and nurses (because milk flowed from her severed head).

Celebrate her legacy today with a nice mug of warm milk.

Tug My Lug!

As everyone knows it is "Pully Lug Day" today!

This of course means (as you all know) that you can pull other people's ears without getting into any trouble at all.

But only in Carlisle.

If you want to pull ears tomorrow anywhere other than Carlisle it is vital that you follow the following rules:

1. All those who you want to pull the ears of must first consent to their ears being pulled.

2. This consent must be signed by yourself, the ear-pullee and four witnesses (one of whom must be a priest and the other a member of the local constabulary).

3. You must agree a time and location for the ear pull.

4. If at any time the ear-pullee changes their mind they must say the agreed ear-pull negation phrase (this will be recorded on the consent form).

5. You must ensure your hands are warm prior to the ear-pull.

6. At the cessation of the ear-pull a doctor must immediately check the ear and your hand.

Safe ear-pulling everyone!

A handy cut-out-and-keep poster for you to cut out and keep.

Don't Dry Your Powder By The Fire!

The conspirators' risk assessment was sadly lacking. Prior to their execution they were sent on a three week Health and Safety course.

We all know about Guy Fawkes.

But many of us forget about the co-conspirators who were hiding at Holbeach House.

Soaking wet from the rain they decided to dry their powder in front of the fire.

The resulting explosion injured several of them and allowed the government's forces to locate and capture them with ease.

To help you remember the Gunpowder Health and Safety regulations King James commissioned Sir Bernard Fletcherly to write a song. It has been recorded for the very first time (since it was written in 1606) for Wyrd Kalendar

Enjoy and stay safe!

Publication of Wyrd Kalendar - September

As Wyrd Kalendar is published this month (you can buy the book here) enjoy the September mix that contains extracts from "Ashley and Ashley" and explore some of our September discoveries here...

Oi! Put that blackberry down! Step away from the bramble... slowly... slowly...

Put it down, now.
No, not in your mouth.
Step away from the bramble.

Michelmas (September 29th)  is the day that Saint Michael chased Lucifer out of heaven. As everyone knows when the Devil fell out of heaven he landed on a prickly blackberry bush.

Angered by this turn of events the Devil cursed the blackberries. It is also said that every Autumn after Michelmas he spat or urinated on them.

Saint Michael casting the Devil out of heaven.
(Blackberry bush just out of frame)

So in the spirit of community we at Wyrd Kalendar have made you the handy poster above and the warning below...

If someone offers you a slice of blackberry crumble beware... it could be cursed...

For more information check out Jim Moon's splendid blog here...

And a superb companion piece here...

Turn a Pagan to Stone Today!

As everyone knows on September 19th Saint Cornely turned a group of Pagan Soldiers to stone. His account of the event runs thus:

"Hello! My name is Saint Cornely. You may remember me for my work with the protection of cattle. However today I’m here to talk to you about something that affects us all: Pagans. They’re everywhere aren’t they?  Casting their spells, dancing around in a circle, hugging trees and mushrooms.  

You all know about the time I was chased by Pagan soldiers (they probably wanted to make me a bracelet out of hemp and cabbage or something). Anyway it was September 16th and I was walking with my two oxen, when I saw them coming for me. I hid in one of the Ox’s ears, said some holy words and turned those blighters to stone! I’m happy to say that I can offer you the same service. If you have Pagan Problems pray to me and I’ll turn them to stone! Mind you knowing them, they’ll probably like it."

If you are plagued by Pagans day and night then why not try a quick prayer to Saint Cornely?

The following is taken from the Saint Cornely Book of Righteous Prayer and endorsed by the Pagan Eradication and Nullification International Society.

"Saint Cornely hear our cry

'The Pagans come!' you hear us sigh,

They dance about and hug their trees

And so we beg you on our knees

Stop their evil wicked follies

Their midnight jigs and corned dollies

Stop them quickly, stop them now

Turn your eyes from herd of cow

And turn to us and hear our prayer

'Fore they fly swiftly through the air

To rip us all from tender bed

And curse us with their spells so dread.

Change their skin and alter bone

And turn them all to blessed stone."

Below you will find a cut out and keep display version of the prayer for you to cut out, keep and display.

If you know of any other instances of heathens, pagans or other wicked sorts please do share them below or on the Facebook page.

Be safe!

There is no escaping the inevitable... LEAVES WILL FALL

You can fight it but it will happen.

The leaves that you fell in love with, the leaves that gave you shade from the harsh summer cloud.

They will fall.

You know that you will be out there, treading through the damp grass, sweeping the little dry brown red corpses into a rustling pile of death.

They will fall.

The branches will stand stark and bare before the grey sky.

They will fall.

And like them you know that you too will die, you will join the earth and feed the ground.

And as you lie beneath the earth they will make a blanket for your dissolving self.

They will fall.

Saint Pantaleon's Day - Think of the poor executioner...

We've all been there.

That job that you thought was going to be easy but it turns into a rolling nightmare.

You come home exhausted and upset.

Who can you turn to? Who can understand what you've been through?

On this Saint Pantaleon's day let's spare a thought for the executioner.

Happy Solstice! - Some things to do on the Longest Day!

Bridget Bishop -The First Victim of Salem

On this day in 1692 Bridget Bishop was executed for being a witch.

Across the world people are being murdered for their beliefs, lifestyle, orientation or as with the case of Bridget Bishop because of unfounded hysteria.

There is a detailed and terrifying account of Bridget's fate here.

To continue the fight against prejudice and injustice.

To combat regimes that oppress those who are different.

Click here.

Below you will find the song "If you float you're a witch" inspired by the song of the same name from Caryl Churchill's Vinegar Tom.

Put some Rum in your Tea! It's Mother Shipton Day!

Everyone knows that today is Mother Shipton Day.

That famous, probably fictional, prophetic laundress is celebrated on this day.

Apparently she was born  in Knaresborough, Yorkshire, in a place now called Mother Shipton's Cave (presumably it wasn't called this before), and was, according to credible sources "as ugly as sin". It is said that when she was born that there was a smell of sulphur and a great crack of thunder (although this could have been wind).  It was considered by some that her father was the devil himself.

You can visit Mother Shipton's Cave here!

Mother Shipton's Cave

So join us...

Do your laundry then...

Sit back, relax, pour some rum in your tea and settle down with some of our favourite Shipton prophecies...

And now a word, in uncouth rhyme

Of what shall be in future time

Then upside down the world shall be

And gold found at the root of tree

All England's sons that plough the land

Shall oft be seen with Book in hand

The poor shall now great wisdom know

Great houses stand in farflung vale

All covered o'er with snow and hail

A carriage without horse will go

Disaster fill the world with woe.

In London, Primrose Hill shall be

In centre hold a Bishop's See

Around the world men's thoughts will fly

Quick as the twinkling of an eye.

And water shall great wonders do

How strange. And yet it shall come true.

Through towering hills proud men shall ride

No horse or ass move by his side.

Beneath the water, men shall walk

Shall ride, shall sleep, shall even talk.

And in the air men shall be seen

In white and black and even green

A great man then, shall come and go

For prophecy declares it so.

In water, iron, then shall float

As easy as a wooden boat

Gold shall be seen in stream and stone

In land that is yet unknown.

And England shall admit a Jew

You think this strange, but it is true

The Jew that once was held in scorn

Shall of a Christian then be born.

A house of glass shall come to pass

In England. But Alas, alas

A war will follow with the work

Where dwells the Pagan and the Turk

These states will lock in fiercest strife

And seek to take each others life.

When North shall thus divide the south

And Eagle build in Lions mouth

Then tax and blood and cruel war

Shall come to every humble door.

Three times shall lovely sunny France

Be led to play a bloody dance

Before the people shall be free

Three tyrant rulers shall she see.

Three rulers in succession be

Each springs from different dynasty.

Then when the fiercest strife is done

England and France shall be as one.

The British olive shall next then twine

In marriage with a german vine.

Men walk beneath and over streams

Fulfilled shall be their wondrous dreams.

For in those wondrous far off days

The women shall adopt a craze

To dress like men, and trousers wear

And to cut off their locks of hair

They'll ride astride with brazen brow

As witches do on broomstick now.

And roaring monsters with man atop

Does seem to eat the verdant crop

And men shall fly as birds do now

And give away the horse and plough.

There'll be a sign for all to see

Be sure that it will certain be.

Then love shall die and marriage cease

And nations wane as babes decrease

And wives shall fondle cats and dogs

And men live much the same as hogs.

In nineteen hundred and twenty six

Build houses light of straw and sticks.

For then shall mighty wars be planned

And fire and sword shall sweep the land.

When pictures seem alive with movements free

When boats like fishes swim beneath the sea,

When men like birds shall scour the sky

Then half the world, deep drenched in blood shall die.

For those who live the century through

In fear and trembling this shall do.

Flee to the mountains and the dens

To bog and forest and wild fens.

For storms will rage and oceans roar

When Gabriel stands on sea and shore

And as he blows his wondrous horn

Old worlds die and new be born.

A fiery dragon will cross the sky

Six times before this earth shall die

Mankind will tremble and frightened be

for the sixth heralds in this prophecy.

For seven days and seven nights

Man will watch this awesome sight.

The tides will rise beyond their ken

To bite away the shores and then

The mountains will begin to roar

And earthquakes split the plain to shore.

And flooding waters, rushing in

Will flood the lands with such a din

That mankind cowers in muddy fen

And snarls about his fellow men.

He bares his teeth and fights and kills

And secrets food in secret hills

And ugly in his fear, he lies

To kill marauders, thieves and spies.

Man flees in terror from the floods

And kills, and rapes and lies in blood

And spilling blood by mankinds' hands

Will stain and bitter many lands

And when the dragon's tail is gone,

Man forgets, and smiles, and carries on

To apply himself - too late, too late

For mankind has earned deserved fate.

His masked smile - his false grandeur,

Will serve the Gods their anger stir.

And they will send the Dragon back

To light the sky - his tail will crack

Upon the earth and rend the earth

And man shall flee, King, Lord, and serf.

But slowly they are routed out

To seek diminishing water spout

And men will die of thirst before

The oceans rise to mount the shore.

And lands will crack and rend anew

You think it strange. It will come true.

And in some far off distant land

Some men - oh such a tiny band

Will have to leave their solid mount

And span the earth, those few to count,

Who survives this (unreadable) and then

Begin the human race again.

But not on land already there

But on ocean beds, stark, dry and bare

Not every soul on Earth will die

As the Dragons tail goes sweeping by.

Not every land on earth will sink

But these will wallow in stench and stink

Of rotting bodies of beast and man

Of vegetation crisped on land.

But the land that rises from the sea

Will be dry and clean and soft and free

Of mankinds' dirt and therefore be

The source of man's new dynasty.

And those that live will ever fear

The dragons tail for many year

But time erases memory

You think it strange. But it will be.

And before the race is built anew

A silver serpent comes to view

And spew out men of like unknown

To mingle with the earth now grown

Cold from its heat and these men can

Enlighten the minds of future man.

To intermingle and show them how

To live and love and thus endow

The children with the second sight.

A natural thing so that they might

Grow graceful, humble and when they do

The Golden Age will start anew.

The dragon's tail is but a sign

For mankind's fall and man's decline.

And before this prophecy is done

I shall be burned at the stake, at one

My body singed and my soul set free

You think I utter blasphemy

You're wrong. These things have come to me

This prophecy will come to be.

Poems found on the outer wrapping of Scrolls

I know I go - I know I'm free

I know that this will come to be.

Secreted this - for this will be

Found by later dynasty

A dairy maid, a bonny lass

Shall kick this stone as she does pass

And five generations she shall breed

Before one male child does learn to read.

This is then held year by year

Till an iron monster trembling fear

eats parchment, words and quill and ink

And mankind is given time to think.

And only when this comes to be

Will mankind read this prophecy

But one mans sweets anothers bane

So I shall not have burned in vain.

This Poem was found in a Separate Jar.

The signs will be there for all to read

When man shall do most heinous deed

Man will ruin kinder lives

By taking them as to their wives.

And murder foul and brutal deed

When man will only think of greed.

And man shall walk as if asleep

He does not look - he many not peep

And iron men the tail shall do

And iron cart and carriage too.

The kings shall false promise make

And talk just for talking's sake

And nations plan horrific war

The like as never seen before

And taxes rise and lively down

And nations wear perpetual frown.

Yet greater sign there be to see

As man nears latter century

Three sleeping mountains gather breath

And spew out mud, and ice and death.

And earthquakes swallow town and town,

In lands as yet to me unknown.

And christian one fights christian two

And nations sigh, yet nothing do

And yellow men great power gain

From mighty bear with whom they've lain.

These mighty tyrants will fail to do

They fail to split the world in two.

But from their acts a danger bred

An ague - leaving many dead.

And physics find no remedy

For this is worse than leprosy.

Oh many signs for all to see

The truth of this true prophecy.

Plan your Dee Day Do!

It's time to plan your Dee Day Do!

Firstly send out your invitations.

We have made a cut out and keep invite for you to cut out and keep.

Display a poster.

Here is one for you to print and display in your window, on your door or outside your hovel.

There follows a list of things you will need to get ready:

1. Your playlist - ensure that you have suitable tracks such as "Scrying" by Roy Orbison,"Scrying in the Rain" by A-ha or "Scry baby scry" by The Beatles. If you don't have time to make a playlist you could purchase "Now that's what I call Dee" which contains all the tracks you'll need...

2. Alchemy Cake - it is traditional to bake an Alchemy Crumble on Dee Day. For the recipe explore The Lost Book of Magickal Recipes by Dr Dee (there is an updated edition annotated by Fanny Craddock available online).

3. Put up Black Scrying bunting. (This is available from Morrisons) Be aware that scrying bunting is very effective and you may see spirits in every little triangular bunt.

4. Hang Crystal Balls on your hawthorn tree. The Dee Tree (as it is known) is a newly chopped hawthorn, brought into the centre of a house, adorned in little crystal balls. 

For more details on what to do at your Dee Day Do you can facetime John Dee via Scry.

You don't need to drown Old Men anymore! Not with the Argei Straw Doll!

On May 15th at the rites of Argei 6 Vestal Virgins walked a route to a bridge on the Tiber.

They would stop along the way at 27 shrines.

At each of the shrines they would pick up a straw man.

Once they got to the bridge they would cast these straw men into the river.

It is thought that these straw men replaced old men who were sacrificed to Saturn (who, among other things, was the God of Old Age and so naturally would want to have old people sacrificed to him).

It's Walpurgis Night! Protect Your House From Witches!

It is Walpurgis Night! 

What are you doing to protect your home from witches?

We at Wyrd Kalendar have been kind enough to collate genuine methods for repelling witches.

Don't forget...

Every WALPURGIS NIGHT witches of   every hue, age and colour will plague our land.

It is vital that you protect your house from these supernatural miscreants.

They will ride about on a horse with THE  DEVIL, 

turn your MILK sour, 

CURSE your cattle, 

replace your children with FOUL argumentative urchins, 

make your PORRIDGE stiff, 

CAST spells that will make you have FUN, 

embrace TREES, 

heal AILMENTS, 

fly on BROOMSTICKS, 

DANCE around bonfires,  

use HERBS, 

speak with their FAMILIARS, 

stroke CATS, 

make deals with GOATS, 

tell FORTUNES, 

make POPPETS, 

sport HATS, 

wear NOTHING at all, 

make otherwise good and honest MENFOLK think LUSTFUL and LASCIVIOUS thoughts, 

caper about POLES, 

knock at your DOOR...

TO STOP WITCHES ENTERING YOUR HOME WE RECOMMEND THE FOLLOWING FOOLPROOF METHODS…

MAKE AS MUCH NOISE AS YOU CAN - RING CHURCH BELLS - SLAM DOORS - CRACK WHIPS—BANG POTS AND PANS

LIGHT BONFIRES

ERECT CROSSES

BRANDISH TORCHES (TOPPED WITH ROSEMARY AND JUNIPER)

WITCH PROOF YOUR HOUSE WITH BIRCH BOUGHS

STAY SAFE!

Saint George's Day - Celebrate this Romano Greek Hero from Syria by Welcoming a Foreigner Today!

In 1416 the Church Council of England welcomed this legendary Turkish Saint to our shores as a beacon of tolerance and hope. It is worth pointing out that George was Romano Greek from Syria but it appears that the anonymous author was a little lazy in terms of their research. For your benefit here is an updated version of the poem.

Every April 23rd it was traditional for monasteries and households to welcome visitors from other lands. This lasted for many years and the people would celebrate the life and legacy of Saint George in the following ways:

1. Sharing food - the visitor and host would toil together in the kitchen preparing a dish from their native land to be shared together.

2. Sharing stories - after the meal the visitor and host would share a story or legend from their land.

3. Dancing - The visitor would teach the host a dance from their land and visa versa.

4. Differences and Similarities - The visitor and host would be expected to converse to discover commonalities and also unique differences in custom and ways of life. They would discuss family, friends, work, religion as well as details of the flora and fauna of the land.

At the end of the evening the host would pledge allegiance to the visitor and invite them to stay for as long as they wished. They would toast the visitor with this final chant.

“In the name of Saint George, the Turk, the Knight

Who died for strangers and friends alike

We welcome you as we welcomed him

Onto our shores as kith and kin

We welcome you as Our Lord would

To make our friendship strong and good.”

CAUTION! Easter Monday is Lifting Day!

Everybody knows that the Lighthouse Family's 90's hit "Lifted" was a direct reference to this Easter tradition. But not many people know that it was a prosecutable offence. To lift a person into the air without their permission was a liberty not to be tolerated. Many people considered it to be an excuse to take a peek at another's underthings and sniffed at the idea that it was to honour the risen Lord. Below is a text from a sordid case from the late 19th century...

"The prosecutor, William Pullen, charged Thomas Lawton with being in his house for an unlawful purpose. Defendant entered Mr. Pullen's house, and said he had come to lift his wife, and two men followed defendant to the garden-gate. Prosecutor told defendant to get out, or he would kick him out. He would not allow any one to take such liberties. Defendant thereupon became very abusive. It was stated that defendant was endeavouring to carry out an old Cheshire custom. The men lifted women on Easter Monday, and women lifted men on Easter Tuesday. The magistrates informed defendant he must apologise and pay the costs." — Yorkshire Gazette, April 7th, 1883. (Source - The Folklore Journal 1883)

You can find images of modern miscreants having a go at this filthy custom here...