It's January 31st! Make your bed (and pop your clothes outside).

 

On this Imbolc Eve prepare for the Fire Goddess Brigid* by making a straw doll, making your bed  and leaving out clothes for her to bless to ensure fertility. 

*She later changed her name to St. Bridget so as not to upset the new neighbours.

It's December 13th! Stick some candles on your bonce!

It’s up to you! Either you can celebrate Saint Lucy’s Day who miraculously couldn’t be violated or burnt (but could be stabbed in the neck). Or you can  just acknowledge that this is Norse Yule Time and stick some candles on your bonce!

It's November 22nd! Play with your organ today!

Thank you Saint Cecilia! Little did you know when you seduced that angel with your music that you would change the world! For your pains (being roasted in a bath and poorly beheaded*) we get to enjoy the grandiose sounds of the organ to this day.

*It took her three days to die. That is poor axemanship.

 

October 25th - Cobblers! Take a Break!

 

Hey shoemakers!

You work so hard.

Thankfully the heroic cobblers Saint Crispin and his unimaginatively named younger brother, Crispinian died in horrific martyrdom so you could put your feet up and have a little drink or two today.

Go on. Put your feet up. You've earned it.

For the rest of us non-cobblers mark this day by not bothering a cobbler. Maybe you could not wear a shoe  or two or just give your shoes a rest, perhaps don't tie those pesky laces.

Have fun!

October 11th - P*ss off mouse!

On Saint Canice's Day we remember how the great saint of Inchkenneth reprimanded seagulls for their naughtiness and crucially how he banished mice for nibbling his sandals.

So go on, tell a mouse to “piss off” today!

 

Interestingly you can also tell frogs to “bugger off” and badgers to “get lost”. 

Seagulls can “do one”.

 

Happy Beheading Saint John the Baptist Day!

Thanks John the Baptist!

Today you will find true love if you squeeze the leaves of St. John’s Wort and they bleed red. This is all down to the FACT that the juice from Saint John’s Wort IS the blood of John the Baptist shed during his beheading.

 

It's over Swithun! Put that cloud down!

 

The reign of Saint Swithun is finished.

The 40 day tyranny of his weather curse is over.

Saint Bartholomew has taken the weather from his hands and now all bets are off.

He'll be back next year, but for now we can expect 10 months of unpredictable weather, unlike the last 40 days of course.

Get Lazy! It's Saint Laurence's Day!

Today is a day to relax. Thanks to Saint Laurence, martyred by being cooked on a gridiron, today is a day you are allowed to be lazy due to the heat.  

Thank you Saint Laurence!

Saint Laurence (as well as championing the lazy) is the Patron Saint of Bakers. Because he was cooked to death. He laughs about it now.

July 16th - Crab the Parson!

Have you ever had the urge to lob handfuls of small, bitter fruit at a vicar?

Well now's your chance! 

On July 16th you would find hundreds of bruised and battered parsons covered in the remnants of crabapples thrown by enthusiastic parishioners to celebrate the eve of Saint Kenelm's Day.

(Source: Maypoles, Mayhem and Martyrs by Quentin Cooper and Paul Sullivan.)

Saint Peter's Day - Paint your Boat and Change your wife!

On Saint Peter's Day it was said that fishermen would repaint their boats and change their mate.

We are not entirely sure why changing a partner would be a celebration of Saint Peter. 

Tidying up your boat made a lot of sense, of course, as that would please the piscatorial chap. 

This might just be slander.

Or it might be true...

It’s January 7th! POUR A BUCKET OF WATER ON A MAN’S HEAD! (Then get back to work!)

January 7th is Saint Distaff’s Day!*

Traditionally this is the last day before we go back to work.

Men will burn the flax.

Women will soak them with water.

Then it’s back to work tomorrow!

*Please note Saint Distaff never existed. He was made up by weavers as an excuse to have one final party…

As the old hymn goes:

Partly work and partly play

Ye must, on St. Distaff's day;

From the plough soon free your team,

Then come home and fodder them;

If the maids a spinning go,

Burn the flax and fire the tow.

Bring in pails of water then,

Let the maids bewash the men.

Give St. Distaff all the right,

Then bid Christmas sport good night,

And next morrow every one

To his own vocation