As Dee Day approaches ordinary folk up and down the land and across the globe are beset with problems.
Most of these problems are small and merely cause irritation, some are large and can cause lack of sleep and anxiety and there are a few problems that seem insurmountable.
When any of these problems brew and begin to cause discomfort, ask yourself:
"What would Dee do?"
Doctor John Dee was the Royal Astrologer to Queen Elizabeth the First.
As well as this he was also an accomplished mathematician, geographer and magician.
Who would be better placed to tackle the myriad issues that affect us every day than a magical genius who lived in the 16th century?
There follows a few examples of how thinking like Dee will solve even some of the most complex crises.
Loss of a pen
Dee Solution 1: Mathematical
Estimate the most probable place you last left it. Take into account the size of the area you are searching a, the amount of times you have lost a pen b, the size of the pen c, the amount of areas you are likely to search d... use this equation to find the pen x: a+b/cxd=x
Dee Solution 2: Geographical
Map out the area you are searching. Divide it into grids. Search each grid (cross off each grid once you have searched it) until you find your pen!
Dee Solution 3: Astrological
Work out when the pen was first created and use that date to assign it a birth sign. Consult your astrological charts and books. Based on your research you should be able to discover the temperament of your pen and easily ascertain from this information where it might be hiding.
Dee Solution 4: Magical
Using your scrying mirror seek out and call upon the spirits of the netherworld who will be able to find the pen for you in an instant for the cost of a small piece of your soul. It is inadvisable to use this method too often.
Finding a potential Wife or Husband
Dee Solution 1: Mathematical
Firstly you need to decide how many wives or husbands you would like. Once you have worked this out you will need to factor this figure into future calculations. Firstly on a scale of 1-10 how desperately lonely are you? (Note this figure as a). What area will you be searching? Decide on the area and enter the radius of the area as b. Calculate using an electoral roll how many eligible spinsters or bachelors there are in the area (note this number as c). How likable are you on a scale of 1-27? (Note this number as d.) How many times have you been turned down by a prospective partner? (Note this number as e.) How long would you like to be married? (Calculate this figure in days and note this number as f.) Use the equation below to discover the value of x.
a/b ×c/d÷e+f=x
Count down the electoral roll until you find the name that has the value of x and that person will be the perfect match. (ie. if x=1 then the first person on the list will be your partner for life!)
Dee Solution 2: Geographical
Map out the area you are searching. Divide it into grids. Search each grid (cross off each grid once you have searched it) until you find your potential wife or husband! Once found they should be moved to the grid that contains your home, though you should stop at the grid containing a church or registry office first (in the interests of decorum).
Dee Solution 3: Astrological
Using the books of astrological art discover the planet you were born under before researching further to discover who you will be most compatible with. Armed with this knowledge approach anybody you can and ask which planet they were born under. The first that matches the planet you are looking for is the one to reel in!
Dee Solution 4: Magical
Using your scrying mirror seek out and call upon the spirits of the netherworld who will be able to create a husband or wife for you in an instant for the cost of a large piece of your soul. It is inadvisable to use this method too often. It is important to note that your husband and or wife may be occasionally incorporeal, could be a demon in disguise or could attempt to eat you and members of your family.
Stopping a major land war
Dee Solution 1: Mathematical
How many soldiers do you have? Note the answer as a.
How many soldiers does your opposing force have? Note this number as b.
Compare the two numbers.
If a is higher than b then you will win.
If b is higher than a then get more soldiers until a is higher than b.
Remember when a is higher than b - victory is assured.
Dee Solution 2: Geographical
Map out the area you are fighting in. Divide it into grids. Go into each area of the grid and kill every enemy soldier within that area. Cross off each grid once you have completed it. When you have crossed off every grid you have won the war!
Dee Solution 3: Astrological
Find out the birth dates of every member of the army that is opposing you. Using your books of astrological art calculate their likes and dislikes. Buy the things that they most dislike and wrap them individually in beautiful paper and ribbons. Arrange with the local postal service for the things that they dislike to be sent to each member of the opposing force. The initial excitement at receiving the beautiful gift, followed by the crushing anxiety at what lies within, will place every soldier at a psychological disadvantage. That will be the time to attack.
Dee Solution 4: Magical
Using your scrying mirror seek out and call upon the spirits of the netherworld who will be able to win the war for you in an instant for the cost of your soul as well as the souls of your children and children's children. It is inadvisable to use this method too often. It is important to note that your army may be occasionally incorporeal, are likely to be enormous befanged demons, bewinged dragons or bewigged otters. They may not follow the standard rules of conflict and so may eat you and your comrades in arms, drag you all to hell for eternal torment or lead you in an inappropriately upbeat and jolly dance around a fire.
What will you do on Dee Day?
Why not do what Dee would do?
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