Publication of Wyrd Kalendar - December

To celebrate the publication of Wyrd Kalendar (you can buy the book here) enjoy the December mix that contains extracts from "All Saints Day" and explore some of our November discoveries here...

Can you hear the bells? The December Mix is here...

It is December.

The bells are ringing and the Old Father is coming. Find out what happens to those who displease the Old Father in extracts from the final tale of the Wyrd Kalendar entitled "Santa Claus and the Witch".

You can buy the book here... – All profits go to Wildlife Trusts.

As you wander through the snow and ice of the Kalendar Heath you will hear Simon and Garfunkel, Sufjan Stevens, Marc Almond, Iron and the Wine, Broadcast, Bjork, Bert Jansch, Anne Briggs, Ryuichi Sakamoto, Zen, The Divine Comedy, CAN, Kate Bush, The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain, Sea of Bees, Sean Wesche, Lindisfarne, Jethro Tull, Mazzy Star, The Rolling Stones, Spinal Tap, Jimmy Smith, The Free Design, David Cain, Neal Casan, Vashti Bunyan, The Who, The Fall, Scott Walker, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, The Grateful Dead, David Gray and Victor Hely-Hutchinson as well as extracts from Winter Landscape by Laurie Lee.

Drink a pint of milk! It's Saint Catherine's Day!

Taken from the discontinued ad-campaign by Saint Catherine's Dairy (1992)

Saint Catherine is the Patron Saint of Wheelwrights, Spinners and Millers (because she was tortured on a wheel) and nurses (because milk flowed from her severed head).

Celebrate her legacy today with a nice mug of warm milk.

December is coming - Can you hear the bells?

On December 1st the final Wyrd Kalendar mix of 2017 will be released.

Take the opportunity to revel in November before the Bells become too loud...

Publication of Wyrd Kalendar - November

To celebrate the publication of Wyrd Kalendar (you can buy the book here) enjoy the November mix that contains extracts from "All Saints Day" and explore some of our November discoveries here...

Tug My Lug!

As everyone knows it is "Pully Lug Day" today!

This of course means (as you all know) that you can pull other people's ears without getting into any trouble at all.

But only in Carlisle.

If you want to pull ears tomorrow anywhere other than Carlisle it is vital that you follow the following rules:

1. All those who you want to pull the ears of must first consent to their ears being pulled.

2. This consent must be signed by yourself, the ear-pullee and four witnesses (one of whom must be a priest and the other a member of the local constabulary).

3. You must agree a time and location for the ear pull.

4. If at any time the ear-pullee changes their mind they must say the agreed ear-pull negation phrase (this will be recorded on the consent form).

5. You must ensure your hands are warm prior to the ear-pull.

6. At the cessation of the ear-pull a doctor must immediately check the ear and your hand.

Safe ear-pulling everyone!

A handy cut-out-and-keep poster for you to cut out and keep.

Don't Dry Your Powder By The Fire!

The conspirators' risk assessment was sadly lacking. Prior to their execution they were sent on a three week Health and Safety course.

We all know about Guy Fawkes.

But many of us forget about the co-conspirators who were hiding at Holbeach House.

Soaking wet from the rain they decided to dry their powder in front of the fire.

The resulting explosion injured several of them and allowed the government's forces to locate and capture them with ease.

To help you remember the Gunpowder Health and Safety regulations King James commissioned Sir Bernard Fletcherly to write a song. It has been recorded for the very first time (since it was written in 1606) for Wyrd Kalendar

Enjoy and stay safe!

The Saints are on the March... The November mix...

The Saints are on the march and on the look out for sinners to punish this month so tread carefully upon the Kalendar Heath.

This month's mix features extracts from "All Saint's Day" the tale for November from "Wyrd Kalendar" which was published at the end of October 2017 and can be bought here.

As well as these extracts you will hear from the following musical artists exploring All Saint's Day, Bonfire Night and the month of November; The Silent Comedy, Blonde on Blonde, The Monroe Brothers, David Bowie, Gorillaz, Voice of the Seven Woods, Magnet, Cobra Verde, Eire Apparent, Lamb, David Cain, Shirley Bassey, Matt Berry, Carter USM, Dizzy Gillespie, Gram Parsons, New Model Army, Julie London, Tom Waits, The Will-O-Bees, Sammy Davis Junior, Sandy Denny, Peter Fonda, Pavlov's Dog, The Wilderness of Manitoba and Vashti Bunyan.

November is coming and the Saints will begin their march...

Publication of Wyrd Kalendar - October

As Wyrd Kalendar is published this month (you can buy the book here) enjoy the October mix that contains extracts from "The Field" and explore some of our October discoveries here...

Publication of Wyrd Kalendar - September

As Wyrd Kalendar is published this month (you can buy the book here) enjoy the September mix that contains extracts from "Ashley and Ashley" and explore some of our September discoveries here...

The Wyrd Kalendar is here - Buy now!

Chris Lambert launching "Wyrd Kalendar" on Saturday 21st October 2017.
In this image he is reading an extract from the July story "Grotto Day"
Photo by Sally-Anne Huxtable

It is official.

On Saturday 21st October Wyrd Kalendar was published at The Unseelie Court in Edinburgh.

The Unseelie Court was a conference and music festival organised by the Folk Horror Revival.

The book (published by Wyrd Harvest Press) is now available to buy from Lulu and all profits from sales will go to Wildlife Trusts. (You can also buy it from Amazon and other online retailers but the charities will get more money if you buy directly from Lulu).

Buy it here.

Review of Wyrd Kalendar - "Darkly Spun Tales"

"Each darkly spun tale matches with a chosen month of the year, providing a folkloric and portmanteau feel to the book, with Paciorek’s richly detailed and haunting artwork prefacing the individual chapters." - Grey Malkin

We are very proud to announce this lovely review of Wyrd Kalendar from Hare and the Moon's Grey Malkin.

Read it here.

Countdown to Publication of Wyrd Kalendar - August

As we prepare for the publication of Wyrd Kalendar later this month enjoy the July mix that contains extracts from "Grotto Day" and explore some of our July discoveries here...

Countdown to Publication of Wyrd Kalendar - July

As we prepare for the publication of Wyrd Kalendar later this month enjoy the July mix that contains extracts from "Grotto Day" and explore some of our July discoveries here...

Countdown to Publication of Wyrd Kalendar - June

As we prepare for the publication of Wyrd Kalendar later this month enjoy the June mix that contains extracts from "June Bug" and explore some of our June discoveries here...

When October is warm do not watch the Horsemen dance...

In one of the most striking pieces of Black Meadow lore collected by Roger Mullins (who disappeared on the site known as Black Meadow on the North York Moors in 1972) is the myth of the Horsemen.

If October is warm for more than three consecutive nights then the horsemen will come and the horsemen will dance. The people of the surrounding villages will play instruments to aid the dance from their houses but will not venture to the field. For to watch them as they dance will mean oblivion.

For more information on this visit the Black Meadow site here...

You can also buy a collection of folklore from the Black Meadow here...

Countdown to Publication of Wyrd Kalendar - May

As we prepare for the publication of Wyrd Kalendar later this month enjoy the May mix that contains extracts from "May Pole" and explore some of our May discoveries here...

Countdown to Publication of Wyrd Kalendar - April

As we prepare for the publication of Wyrd Kalendar later this month enjoy the April  mix that contains extracts from "Chasing the Gowk" and explore some of our April discoveries here...

It's Crowley Day! What will you do to celebrate?

As well as doing what thou wilt (obviously) here are 10 other things you can do to celebrate Aleister Crowley’s Birthday!

1. Write an erotic poem!
2. Start a club and offend everyone in it so they ask you to leave!
3. Contract gonorrhoea!
4. Do it with everyone (don’t be fussy)!
5. Get yourself a real guardian angel! (Now that Alastair is dead Aiwass may be available.)
6. Run out of money!
7. Enjoy heroin too much!
8. Appear on a Beatles album cover!
9. Climb a mountain!
10. Curse your doctor!

Countdown to Publication of Wyrd Kalendar - March

As we prepare for the publication of Wyrd Kalendar later this month enjoy the March mix that contains extracts from "The Crucified Hare" and explore some of our March discoveries here...

Countdown to Publication of Wyrd Kalendar - February

As we prepare for the publication of Wyrd Kalendar later this month enjoy the February mix that contains extracts from "February 31st" and explore some of our February discoveries here...

Columbo's Day

As everyone knows the 9th October is Columbo's Day.

This is a very important day for Americans so I thought it would be nice to make a nice poster.

Countdown to Publication of Wyrd Kalendar - January

As we prepare for the publication of Wyrd Kalendar later this month enjoy the January mix that contains extracts from "The Resolution"... and explore some of our January discoveries here...

The October Mix (with a more than a dash of Halloween...)

Wander the Kalendar Heath this October.

Walk towards the inevitable and terrifying Halloween festivities accompanied by BBC Tees and Fortean Times' own Bob Fischer who will entertain you with extracts from this month's story "The Field" taken from "The Wyrd Kalendar" (published this month by Wyrd Harvest Press).

As you reach the last few moments of October and Halloween descends, listen out for "The Night Before Samhain" a poem written and performed by Phil Breach.

Enjoy the October and then the Halloween tunes provided by Matt Berry, The Pretty Things, The Mystic Astrological Band, Tommy Makem and Liam Clancy, Judy Dyble and Tim Bowness vs, No Acronym, of Montreal, William Wordsworth, The Cinnamon Ship, James Taylor, U2, Nitin Sawhney, Still Life, David Cain, The Incredible String Band, Haircut 100, Cosmic Overdose, Bill Nelson, Julie London, Dylan Thomas, Harold Budd and Brian Eno, Chris and Cosey, Witch, Emil Richards, Wolf People, Bill Buchanan, Blue Magic, Aqualung,  Lou Reed, Rosemary Clooney, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Sandy Denny, Flight of the Conchords, Howlin' Wolf, Dead Kennedys, Russ Conway, Status Quo, The Guess Who, Sun Ra, Japan, The Misfits, Super Furry Animals, John Carpenter, Gorillaz, Lambert, Hendricks and Ross and Duran Duran.

Devil's Urine on Blackberries - The Good News

Contrary to the article yesterday some people don't mind Blackberries picked after Michelmas.

Oi! Put that blackberry down! Step away from the bramble... slowly... slowly...

Put it down, now.
No, not in your mouth.
Step away from the bramble.

Michelmas (September 29th)  is the day that Saint Michael chased Lucifer out of heaven. As everyone knows when the Devil fell out of heaven he landed on a prickly blackberry bush.

Angered by this turn of events the Devil cursed the blackberries. It is also said that every Autumn after Michelmas he spat or urinated on them.

Saint Michael casting the Devil out of heaven.
(Blackberry bush just out of frame)

So in the spirit of community we at Wyrd Kalendar have made you the handy poster above and the warning below...

If someone offers you a slice of blackberry crumble beware... it could be cursed...

For more information check out Jim Moon's splendid blog here...

And a superb companion piece here...

The Wyrd Kalendar Book - It is coming...

October is coming... Prepare for the Feast...

The field is full of fruits to be gathered, writhing and screaming in the Autumnal winds.
The Kalendar Heath will be open for even longer allowing you to trek through October to the dark joys of All Hallow's Eve.
Join us. 

All Hail Queen Mab! It's the Feast of Mabon!

Oh, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you.

She is the fairies' midwife, and she comes

In shape no bigger than an agate stone

On the forefinger of an alderman,

Drawn with a team of little atomi

Over men’s noses as they lie asleep.

Her wagon spokes made of long spinners' legs,

The cover of the wings of grasshoppers,

Her traces of the smallest spider’s web,

Her collars of the moonshine’s watery beams,

Her whip of cricket’s bone, the lash of film,

Her wagoner a small gray-coated gnat,

Not half so big as a round little worm

Pricked from the lazy finger of a maid.

Some call the feast of Mabon the "Witches' Thanksgiving". Everyone celebrates in their own unique ways. Last year I held a great feast and made a coat from newly fallen leaves but this year I've opted for a quieter celebration. I'll be staying in and catching up with some Queen Mab related entertainments. 

In the morning and afternoon I'll binge watch this superb new series about Queen Mab's PR firm...

After that I'll watch the classic film about an old English King's loyalty to the Faer Folk Queen...

Finally I'll round off my evening with a faerie themed action thriller...

Happy Feast Day your Mabesty!

For more ideas of what to do at Mabon take a look at this site...

Mab is coming! Are you ready?

It is the Feast of Mabon tomorrow!
Are you ready?

Turn a Pagan to Stone Today!

As everyone knows on September 19th Saint Cornely turned a group of Pagan Soldiers to stone. His account of the event runs thus:

"Hello! My name is Saint Cornely. You may remember me for my work with the protection of cattle. However today I’m here to talk to you about something that affects us all: Pagans. They’re everywhere aren’t they?  Casting their spells, dancing around in a circle, hugging trees and mushrooms.  

You all know about the time I was chased by Pagan soldiers (they probably wanted to make me a bracelet out of hemp and cabbage or something). Anyway it was September 16th and I was walking with my two oxen, when I saw them coming for me. I hid in one of the Ox’s ears, said some holy words and turned those blighters to stone! I’m happy to say that I can offer you the same service. If you have Pagan Problems pray to me and I’ll turn them to stone! Mind you knowing them, they’ll probably like it."

If you are plagued by Pagans day and night then why not try a quick prayer to Saint Cornely?

The following is taken from the Saint Cornely Book of Righteous Prayer and endorsed by the Pagan Eradication and Nullification International Society.

"Saint Cornely hear our cry

'The Pagans come!' you hear us sigh,

They dance about and hug their trees

And so we beg you on our knees

Stop their evil wicked follies

Their midnight jigs and corned dollies

Stop them quickly, stop them now

Turn your eyes from herd of cow

And turn to us and hear our prayer

'Fore they fly swiftly through the air

To rip us all from tender bed

And curse us with their spells so dread.

Change their skin and alter bone

And turn them all to blessed stone."

Below you will find a cut out and keep display version of the prayer for you to cut out, keep and display.

If you know of any other instances of heathens, pagans or other wicked sorts please do share them below or on the Facebook page.

Be safe!

Happy Christmas!

If you are like me and you know your history you will already have your Christmas decorations up and your presents bought.

If not don't panic, you can celebrate Christmas at the feast of Saturnalia like you always do.

Happy Christmas!

We crown King Pumpkin today (in France).

I don't know about you but by 12th September my Pumpkins ain't very majestic.

I don't know what they feed them in France but take a look at this beauty...

All Hail the Pumpkin King
(Source - http://www.ouest-france.fr)

As well as carving pumpkins and selling vegetables the villagers also carry the biggest Pumpkin through the market, perform a coronation and pay their respects.

How are your Pumpkins doing?
Send us pictures in the comments below or on our Facebook page!

Feeling Horny? It must be time for the Abotts Bromley Horn Dance!

The Horn Dance is on September 10th this year...

Are you ready?

Use the checklist above to help you to prepare.

As well as this there are two other things you HAVE TO DO (see below).

Read this now.
Have you read it yet?
You won't be allowed to the dance until you have.
Read it. NOW.

Listen to this now.

Now.

Buy it too.

You have been told.

Moving House this September? Why not try Angel Moving Services?

On September 8th 1292 Angels House Moving Services™ picked up Mary, Joseph and Jesus’ house and moved it from Palestine to Yugoslavia to avoid it being destroyed by the enemies of the Christian Faith. Three years later the angels moved it again to Loreto.

There was a minimum of breakages,  and much rejoicing.

If you would like to use Angel House Moving Services™ then PRAY NOW!

Leaves will Fall... The September Mix is here...

It is September. Summer is drawing to its end. The nights are closing in. Leaves are on the turn and primed to fall. Joyously run through the fallen leaves on the Kalendar Heath this month with Nick Drake, Dinah Washington, Simon and Garfunkel, David Cain, Captain Beefheart, Justin Hayward, Lou Reed, Earth, Wind and Fire, Jez Butler, David Whitfield, Fiona Apple, New Model Army, Monty Python, Carole King, Tindersticks, Edith Piaf, The Flaming Lips, The Waterboys, David Sylvian, The White Stripes and John Martyn. You will hear extracts from “Ashley and Ashley” the September story from “Wyrd Kalendar” due to be published in October this year by Wyrd Harvest Press.

There is no escaping the inevitable... LEAVES WILL FALL

You can fight it but it will happen.

The leaves that you fell in love with, the leaves that gave you shade from the harsh summer cloud.

They will fall.

You know that you will be out there, treading through the damp grass, sweeping the little dry brown red corpses into a rustling pile of death.

They will fall.

The branches will stand stark and bare before the grey sky.

They will fall.

And like them you know that you too will die, you will join the earth and feed the ground.

And as you lie beneath the earth they will make a blanket for your dissolving self.

They will fall.

Leaves Will Fall - The September Mix Is Coming...

Stick it to the Burryman!

Stick it to the Burryman this August!

If you are lucky enough to live in South Queensferry Scotland you will be familiar with the Burryman. Covered in thistle burrs he walks the town in mid August (usually the second Friday) and people throw more burrs at him (burrs coated in their own horrid sin and guilt) and the Burryman carries them away. Bless him.

Thistle Burr (fill it with your sin and chuck it at the Burryman!)

Raymond Burr (not to be filled with your sin or thrown at the Burryman under any circumstances...)

The Feast of Llamas

As everyone knows the start of August is traditionally the feast of Lammas.

 It is less well known that (between 1801 and 1816) in the village of Stourton at the start of every August, the local Lord of the Manor invited the villagers into his gardens. There they would feast on roast llama, wear llama masks, dance llama themed dances to llama themed music and watch llama races.

 This strange tradition ended when it was pointed out to the Lord of the Manor that he had a terrible ear for the local accent.

The festival had been repeated for so long because no-one had the heart to tell him that he had misheard and misinterpreted the Feast of Lammas in this way. They also really liked roast llama.

The village of Stourton does pay homage to this mistaken tradition still in their annual Lammas rite by baking  Llama’s bread and crowning the village Llama as Lord of the Manor and forcing the incumbent Lord of the Manor to  live in the Llama stable for a night in a llama mask made by local children.

The Willows are on the move... The August Mix is here...

The Kalendar Heath is ready to be explored this August, but beware, the willows are on the move.

Celebrate Lammas with the likes of Magnet, The Owl Service, Beacon Street Union, Bebel Gilberto, The Tiger Lilies, Love, Clinic, Carole King, Funkadelic, Hall and Oates, Grizzly Bear, Kingston Trio, Micky Newbury, Jacco Gardner, Julie London, David Cain, Lost Trail, The The and Isla Cameron.

This month's exploration of the Kalendar Heath includes extracts from this month's short story "The Weeping Will Walk" written and performed by Chris Lambert. The story will be published as part of "Wyrd Kalendar" a collection of 12 short stories written by Chris Lambert and illustrated by Andy Paciorek to be published in October 2017.

Martha and the Girdle of Power

It's Saint Martha's  Day! 

When she wasn't too busy making scones for  Christ whilst he revived her dead  brother Lazarus Saint Martha found the time, in First Century Judea, to defeat a dragon (called Tarasque) using her medieval girdle.

This method is still used to defeat Dragons today and Wyrd Kalendar have created a handy cut out and keep poster for you to cut out and keep (see above).

Who doesn't want their own Dragon? Martha did. Here you can see her feeding it a bishop.

According to Legend Martha visited France in 48AD and started converting the French to  Christianity. 

After defeating Tarasque the Dragon, Martha used it as a surfing aid. 

While she was visiting the town of Tarascon she discovered it was being terrorised by a dragon called Tarasque. She went out to meet the dragon, flicked holy water on it which calmed it down and then tied her girdle about its neck.

Saint Martha was often seen taking the Dragon Tarasque for walks at the local park. This had to stop after it burnt the bins, ate three babies and scared a duck.

Once it was in her power soldiers came to town and killed it with their spears... however some say she kept it as a pet... others that they teamed up to form a crime-fighting team. (It has recently been reported that "Martha and the  Dragon" is currently being developed by Netflix.)

Tarasque the dragon sadly died of complications brought on by morbid obesity. This was mainly due to its Bishop rich diet.

You can find out more about Saint Martha in Sister Mary Agatha Bootle's seminal work "Making Scones for  Christ."

Published by Esoheritix in 1977