It's December 28th! Just stay in bed...

 

Today is the unluckiest day of the year. 

It is Childermas - the day in which we remember the babies killed by King Herod - this is considered to be the unluckiest day. 

If the 28th has fallen on a Monday then this is also Judas' birthday. This day is also considered to be the unluckiest day of the year. So you have two for the price of one. 

Our advice?

Stay in bed.

And if you've got out of bed?

Go back to bed and stay there.

There really is no point doing anything today.

It's December 13th! Stick some candles on your bonce!

It’s up to you! Either you can celebrate Saint Lucy’s Day who miraculously couldn’t be violated or burnt (but could be stabbed in the neck). Or you can  just acknowledge that this is Norse Yule Time and stick some candles on your bonce!

It's Vampire Night!

 

It's Vampire Night! Let's dance, cavort and drink fresh blood!*

“Tonight is Vampire Night. In Romania the Strigoii or Vampires are said to leave their graves to seek out their former homes and victims. So hang out your garlic, put out your crosses… for the vampires are prowling and they’re looking for you. Be safe. And, if you can’t be safe, then dance, dance to these Vampire tunes. Happy Vampire Night!” – The Kalendar Host

With tunes from the likes of The Upsetters, Soft Cell, Gene Page, Rupert Lally, Bauhaus, Vampire Sound Incorporated, The Hues Corporation, Francois de Roubaix, Rob Zombie, Cobra Verde, Tangerine Dream, Gorillaz, Emil Richards, Beth Orton, Jonathan Elias, Radiohead, Gerard McCann, Tito and Tarantula, David Whitaker, Hot Blood, Jace Everett, Dirty Pretty Things, Barenakedladies, Jason Segel, Michael Vickers, Nouvelle Vague, Ministry, Michael Rubini and Denny Jaeger.

*For vegans you could try Ribena, vegan red wine or Linda McArtney's Blood Substitute (TM)

Vampire Night - Coming Soon

 

It's November 22nd! Play with your organ today!

Thank you Saint Cecilia! Little did you know when you seduced that angel with your music that you would change the world! For your pains (being roasted in a bath and poorly beheaded*) we get to enjoy the grandiose sounds of the organ to this day.

*It took her three days to die. That is poor axemanship.

 

November 15th - Are your pants on Fire?

It's a great day for liars!

If you fancy a go then you could be in with a chance of winning a whetstone!

Runners up will get to ride home with the Bishop of Carlisle after he has finished his anti-lying sermon.

Good luck.

If you can't make it to Temple Sowerby in the past you could attend the World's Biggest Liar Competition in the Lake District.  This contest is apparently over 150 years old and was reportedly started by Wordsworth and the Lakeland Poets who thought that the locals were the biggest fibbers in the UK. (Politicians, lawyers, estate agents and journalist need not apply.)

Source: Maypoles, Martyrs and Mayhem - Quentin Cooper and Paul Sullivan

 

October 25th - Cobblers! Take a Break!

 

Hey shoemakers!

You work so hard.

Thankfully the heroic cobblers Saint Crispin and his unimaginatively named younger brother, Crispinian died in horrific martyrdom so you could put your feet up and have a little drink or two today.

Go on. Put your feet up. You've earned it.

For the rest of us non-cobblers mark this day by not bothering a cobbler. Maybe you could not wear a shoe  or two or just give your shoes a rest, perhaps don't tie those pesky laces.

Have fun!

October 18th - Feeling Horny? It's time for the Charlton Horn Fair!

 At the Charlton Horn Fair you can dress as a king, as a Miller’s Wife or as a Miller (in which case don some horns you poor cuckhold) and celebrate King John tupping the Miller’s Wife by whipping women on the bottom with branches of furze and finishing the whole affair with a jolly orgy*!  

* Orgies are optional and  liable to have the fair closed down (this happened in 1872).

(Source: Maypoles Martyrs and Mayhem – Quentin Cooper and Paul Sullivan)

October 11th - P*ss off mouse!

On Saint Canice's Day we remember how the great saint of Inchkenneth reprimanded seagulls for their naughtiness and crucially how he banished mice for nibbling his sandals.

So go on, tell a mouse to “piss off” today!

 

Interestingly you can also tell frogs to “bugger off” and badgers to “get lost”. 

Seagulls can “do one”.

 

Burn the Moon Hare!

It is the Autumn Harvest Moon. (Chung Ch’iu) 

Give thanks for your Bountiful Harvest!

In Chinese thought the moon symbolizes the female principle of yin.

Women from each household will place the following on a specially prepared altar:

an image or figure of the Moon Hare

five platters of different fruit and

13 mooncakes (spicy circular cakes that represent the 13 months of the lunar year).

The women light incense, 

approach the altar one by one and bow.

After this  the picture/figure of the Moon Hare is burned.

Its soul is free and

 it returns to the moon.

Keep your hands off Satan's Nuts!

 

This September 21st avoid gathering nuts...

It is Devil's Nutting Day and he doesn't take kindly to people handling his produce.

If he catches you with your hands on his nuts he will send you mad or drag you to hell.

Also girls if you don't want to get a bun in the oven for god's sake don't go nutting. According to lore a good nut harvest will lead to a crop of unwanted bairns. 

Check out the Nutting Song for further important info...

It's Saturday! Kill a Vampire!

 

According to legend the best day to kill a vampire is Saturday. This is because, as everyone knows, Vampires sleep in their coffins on Saturdays. 

So sharpen your stakes and get out there!

Stay Healthy with "Children in the Corn"!

 

This Situa (Ancient Incan Festival) ward off the diseases of Spring by mixing cornmeal with a little of your children’s blood! Then eat it, spread it on your skin and paint your walls with it!

“Children in the Corn - It’s good for what might ail you!”

When you have finished the emperor of the Incas will send four noble Incas running to the north, south, east and west to chase away any remaining evil spirits that the cornmeal hasn't sorted out.

Happy Beheading Saint John the Baptist Day!

Thanks John the Baptist!

Today you will find true love if you squeeze the leaves of St. John’s Wort and they bleed red. This is all down to the FACT that the juice from Saint John’s Wort IS the blood of John the Baptist shed during his beheading.

 

It's over Swithun! Put that cloud down!

 

The reign of Saint Swithun is finished.

The 40 day tyranny of his weather curse is over.

Saint Bartholomew has taken the weather from his hands and now all bets are off.

He'll be back next year, but for now we can expect 10 months of unpredictable weather, unlike the last 40 days of course.

Ploughboys and Horses - WKTV

 In the second episode of Strange Folk Games Find out about the Orkney ploughing competition, urine on plough blades and Billy Whizz!

Happy Ploughing!

Happy HARMONIC CONVERGENCE Day!

According to the art historian Jose Arguelles’ interpretation of the Mayan Calendar the alignment of celestial objects* (on august 16th 1987) was expected to herald the start of a five year period of peace** and heavenly cleansing. This would prepare the way for a visitation by other worldly beings.***

New age enthusiasts joined together at specially selected sites around the world (Lake Titicaca, Ruins in New Mexico) ready for rebirth.

*The planets did not align as expected.

**There wasn’t a period of peace.

***No-one came to visit.

(Source – The Mystical Year – Time-Life Books)

Don't Swing on a Sunday!

 

If children swing on 

Sunday 

the Devil 

will either come 

or rattle his chains…

"YOU MUST NOT PLAY ON SUNDAY

BECAUSE IT IS A SIN;

BUT YOU MAY PLAY ON MONDAY

TILL SUNDAY COMES AGAIN."

(Source: Household Tales with other Traditional Remains – Sidney Oldall Addy)

Get Lazy! It's Saint Laurence's Day!

Today is a day to relax. Thanks to Saint Laurence, martyred by being cooked on a gridiron, today is a day you are allowed to be lazy due to the heat.  

Thank you Saint Laurence!

Saint Laurence (as well as championing the lazy) is the Patron Saint of Bakers. Because he was cooked to death. He laughs about it now.

Decorate your milk pail! It's Kit Dressing Day!

It is August the 4th.

The sun is shining.

The cattle are lowing.

And you the hearty milk-maid are ready for the kit-dressing.

You have your best kit (pail) and you have wound intricate twigs of willow around the handle and the sides.

Into these you insert flowers, silk and muslin ribbons and other trinkets.

Then you join the procession to the willow tree.

The Kit dressing ritual of August 4th is the inspiration behind the Wyrd Kalendar story "The Weeping will Walk" which you can purchase here.

This also inspired Icarus Peel to create this tune for the August track of the Wyrd Kalendar album.

The Game of Lammas - WKTV

What is the Game of Lammas? 

Find out in this the first episode from WKTV. 

Subscribe for more Wyrd Kalandar fun! You never know there may be another episode! 

 You will need: a piece of straw 

And this phrase: "I bought a beard at Lammas Fair, 

It's a' awa' but ae hair - wag, beardie wag!"

 

Oi Witches! Stop bothering my cows!

Witches are such a problem at Lammas time. 

One of their main crimes (alongside curses, hexes and general chicanery) is of course COW BOTHERING.

Nobody wants to see a cow being bothered. No-one wants to see the results of cow bothering.

You’ve asked the witches nicely and yet on they bother.

Bothering the cows so the milk goes sour.

Bothering the calves so they forget to grow.

Bothering the bulls so their pintels droop.

What can you do? The answer is simple: 

Put a ball of hair into a pail of milk today and that will keep the witches from your cows!

Wrap up cold! It's a Dog day!

Feeling out of sorts?

Ill?

Can't get comfy?

Are their evil portents or foul things afoot?

Has your dog gone plum crazy?

Are you a bit hot?

Worry not! All that has happened is that the dog star has risen with the sun and we are in the midst of the Dog Days!

The Dog Days occur between the 3rd July and the 11th August.

To survive them you will need the following:

1. Ice

2. Water

3. Umbrella

4. Naked skin

5. A fan

6. Lemonade

7. A slice of lemon

8. A sprig of mint

9. Pimms

For more information watch the documentary "Dog Day Afternoon" presented by Al Pacino.

It's Saturday! Cut your nails!

As everyone knows Saturday is a good day to cut your nails, for you will meet your sweetheart on the following day. Who hasn't met a sweetheart on a Sunday because of their footcare the day before? No-one that's who!

On other days cutting your nails may bring further fortune or misfortune. This is of course all true and scientifically proven through the stringent work of podiatrists.

Monday for health, 
Tuesday for wealth, 
 Wednesday for news, 
Thursday for shoes, 
Friday for sorrow, 
Saturday see your sweetheart tomorrow, 
If you cut them on Sunday you cut them for evil, 
And all the week through you will sup with the Devil.

Source: Household Tales with other Traditional Remains – Sidney Oldall Addy

July 16th - Crab the Parson!

Have you ever had the urge to lob handfuls of small, bitter fruit at a vicar?

Well now's your chance! 

On July 16th you would find hundreds of bruised and battered parsons covered in the remnants of crabapples thrown by enthusiastic parishioners to celebrate the eve of Saint Kenelm's Day.

(Source: Maypoles, Mayhem and Martyrs by Quentin Cooper and Paul Sullivan.)

Dragon Day!

As everyone knows July 14th is Dragon Day! 

That is because, as everyone knows, a dragon landed in a cowfield in Henham, Essex, on this day in 1669. This incredible event was reported widely via pamphlet (the Huffington Post of its day) and became the foundation of a glorious drunken fair in which copious amounts of cider and beer (in the same glass) were consumed in honour of this fiery visitor.

So, like those villagers of old (or university students out on the razz) raise a glass of Snakebite to the Dragon and roar!

Saint Peter's Day - Paint your Boat and Change your wife!

On Saint Peter's Day it was said that fishermen would repaint their boats and change their mate.

We are not entirely sure why changing a partner would be a celebration of Saint Peter. 

Tidying up your boat made a lot of sense, of course, as that would please the piscatorial chap. 

This might just be slander.

Or it might be true...

Pay Your Bills! It's Pied Piper Day!

Today is Pied Piper day.
According to "The Mystical Year" this is the day that the Pied Piper visited Hamelin and exacted his terrible revenge for non-payment of bills...
A lesson for us all methinks...

Avoid the Devil's Porridge!

This Midsummer Day if you are approached by the devil with a steaming bowl of delicious porridge.
Ignore him.
Blank him.
Do not eat the porridge.
If you do not eat the porridge you will be safe from his wicked ways and he will briefly be at your beck and call.

Please note this only seems to happen at Chanctonbury Rings...

Spectral Fields - Mix 4 - Join us one last time...

The Kalendar Host has been reading.

He has found himself lost in “A Year in the Country - Wandering Through Spectral Fields” by Stephen Prince. This incredible work has inspired a new journey out of the Kalendar Heath and across these Spectral Fields to discover music, ideas, stories, folk horror jaunts, hauntological treats and nostalgic terror.

This is the third of four mixes dedicated to this new book. This mix explores chapters 40-52 through music, sound and key extracts, acting as an accompaniment or, if you will allow, an aural appendix.

Buy the book here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Year-Country-Wandering-Pastoralism-Hauntology/dp/0957400721

Discover the delights of Tristram Carey, Mount Vernon Arts Lab, Olan Mill. Paper Dollhouse, The SoullessParty, The Bulgarian State and Television Female Vocal Choir, Field Trip England, Jugg, Jane Weaver, Beautify Junkyards, Johnny Flynn, Matt Berry, The Wombles, Sproatly Smith, The Woodbine and Ivy Band and many more...

Black Meadow: Mark Barton - In Memoriam

Black Meadow: Mark Barton - In Memoriam: We were very sorry to learn that Mark Barton passed away yesterday. Mark was an exciting and unique music reviewer whose eccentric and ...